Guilt.  It is a new experience for me.  I've never been one to carry a lot of guilt.  I've felt very bad about some of the things I have done in the past, but usually I learn to forgive myself, make amends and move on.  I have not understood the complex emotions associated with guilt, but I am learning about them now.

I feel guilt about Mother being in a nursing home.  I feel guilty when I walk into her room and find chocolate ice cream on her chin; I feel guilt when Mother feels lonely.  In fact, there is very little about Mother's life right now that I don't feel guilty about.  My head tells me that I did not give her this disease.  I know that she has to be in a facility where she can have 24/7 care and someone awake and watching out for her.  I know that she needs locked doors and an ankle bracelet to keep her safe.  I know that her awareness levels are not what they used to be, but that does not lessen my feeling of guilt.

I feel guilty that I can't keep her at home.  I feel guilty when she tells me how lonely she gets.  I feel guilty when she doesn't like the food.  I feel guilty that she has multiple urinary accidents each day and has to be changed often.

My conflict seems to stem from the fact that I cannot control the quality of her life.  I can't change where and how she lives.  I can't make it better, and I want to make it all better.  I want her to have the life she had.  I want her to smell like home and not THE HOME.  I want her to be able to sit outside without being afraid.  I know that the sense of guilt is not rational, but I can't make it go away either.  I am her daughter.  I'm responsible for honoring her and taking care of her, and I want it all to be better.