Steal Away

There is a new normal for our visits with Mother.  We are learning to tolerate more aberrant behavior as her mind becomes more scrambled and her behavior becomes more unpredictable.  It amazes me that her behavior, which I would have found so horrifying a few years ago, has become just a blip on the screen during my visits.

Yesterday was a good day.  Mother was up and looking out the window, so I asked if she wanted to go outside.  She did!  This is the first time in a while that she was willing to go out and get some fresh air.  I walked with her arm and arm down the sidewalk through the fenced area to the bench where we could see trees and sky.  As we walked, she turned to me and said, "We are a newlywed couple just strolling along."  When I walk with her I always have her grab my arm because she is somewhat unsteady on her feet, but yesterday she was hustling along as fast as her little shuffle could take her.  We sat on the bench for a bit and looked at the thunderheads building up.  She was enthralled with the big, bright clouds and shouted and pointed.  Then just as suddenly, she said, "Can I look down your dress?"  She pulled at my neckline.  I told her no, that it wasn't polite.  She turned away and asked again and pulled at my clothing.  The third time, she asked and said, "Please, please, please, please, please!"  Not only is that bizarre behavior, but it was something I now take in stride because I know she doesn't know what she is saying.  I distracted her with the clouds.  She said, " I will just steal away."  We sang Steal Away to Jesus her voice soft and sweet as she watched my mouth to see what the words were.

A visit so horrifying and so sweet at the same time.  I watched her look at the clouds so innocently, yet I cringed at her pulling at my clothing like some old letch.  How can her mind be both?  How can she jump so quickly from wanting to look down my dress to singing Steal Away to Jesus?  Maybe more horrifying is that that behavior is possible for any of us when disease strips away our inhibitions.  We cringe not just because the behavior is so strange, but deep down we must admit that it is inherent in us all.  Mother, any person with Alzheimer's, shows us what our primitive selves are like.  The hopeful part is that no matter how base and ugly some of what we do is, we still have some part that can steal away and sing.