Wild

Wild.  The word has many connotations.  Like the flora and fauna in the woods, it can mean untamed, undomesticated.  It can mean acting with abandon or uninhibited.  But it can also mean out of control and unmanageable.  Today Mother was wild in all senses of the word.

Mother looked calm and happy when I walked in her room, but that did not last long. Greeting her and sitting on the edge of her bed, she came at me full force.  She raised up and grabbed my neck and head and kissed me, then pulled me over and hugged and kissed me some more.  She is incredibly strong, and it takes a bit maneuvering to break her grip.  I was finally able to sit up and hold her hand, but here she came at me again.  One wouldn't think that an old woman could get you down and keep you down, but Mother can.  Gently, gently, I got her to relax and let me sit and hold her hand.

A young, male aide came into the room.  Mother howled and cried.  She thought he was her oldest grandson.  I have to say there was a striking resemblance, but she could not be satisfied that it wasn't her grandson.  She cried and cried after him.  I had to finally tell her he had to go to work.

Another resident came into the room and sat and visited.  Mother cried as the old woman told about her first baby being born dead.  Mother became inconsolable, she grabbed me like I might disappear, her grip nearly cutting off the circulation in my hand and crushing my bones.

For over thirty minutes I tried to calm her while evading her grip.  Nothing could get her distracted.  Nothing could tame her emotions. Nothing could help her manage her behavior.  Like a child, she finally wore herself out and was ready for a nap.  But I left wanting to run away from her.  I wanted to get away from the frenetic howling.  I wanted to flee from her iron grasp.

The wild, uncontrollable emotions she had today tear at me.  It is not her howling so loudly that the aides come running; it is not the death grip she can put on my hands, it is the idea that she is so out of control.  She is wild and unrecognizable as Mother.  I wept as I left her.  The wild roller coaster visit has left me exhausted, and I too want to be wild and just run away.