The Thing Is . . .

Guilt.  It has plagued me since we first moved Mother to assisted living and then to the nursing home.  I am not a guilt prone person.  It has always been something I avoided or rationalized away.  But for the last five years, I have felt guilty almost every day.  I've felt guilty when we had to take Mother away from her beloved home.  I've felt guilty when I could only stay a few minutes to visit her.  I've felt guilty if I couldn't go see her.  I've felt guilty when there was a family celebration and she couldn't be there because she was in the nursing home.

None of this guilt makes rational sense.  I can't control the Alzheimer's disease. I can't spend all of my time at the home with Mother.  I can't ignore the rest of the family.  I have to take care of my own health. Yet, the guilt persisted.

But I am beginning to learn to let the guilt go.  After being either in the hospital or confined to my own bed for two weeks, I had time to think.  Guilt does me no good.  Guilt does Mother no good.  

 I am trying to let go of the guilt of not seeing her every day and to replace that guilt with gratitude for the times I can visit her.  I am trying to learn to let the visits be a part of my life instead of letting the visits drive my life.  The thing is . . . this is difficult.  

So today I had the time to visit Mother.  Yet, I still feel the need to let my body recoup from my recent illness.  I had to balance the choice.  I had to consider.  The guilt started.  I looked at the situation rationally.  I stayed home.  But then again, there is time later today . . .