Physical Slide

 I didn't see Mother for six days out of the last two weeks. A brief stay in the hospital.  Visiting a sister who had cancer surgery.  Spending time with grandchildren and children.  These are all vital and a part of my life, but when these other parts of life call, I have to miss some visits with Mother.  I often feel so very torn at these times.  I wish I could be two places at once, but because that is impossible, I have to rely on the care she receives from the staff at the home to be enough.

The one positive thing about being gone is that I can get some perspective on Mother's condition.  This time I noticed that Mother is slipping physically.  When she was first diagnosed, she had no other health problems.  Now she has had a mini-stroke and her hand is clenched.  She coughs frequently.  Walking is becoming more difficult.  At first, people told me that it was too bad that she had such perfect health.  And now I understand better.  With perfect health, Mother was trapped in the hell of dementia with a strong body.  Now, she is still strong, but I am beginning to see her body beginning to fail.

I don't know if this is a blessing or just a part of the cursedness of Alzheimer's.  On most days, Mother stays in her bed and naps.  She will sometimes sit with the other residents or be willing to go outside, but mostly I sit and hold her hand.  I massage her arms and legs and moisturize her face.  She smiles and whispers.  I have to get very close to hear her, and sometimes it is impossible to know what she is saying.

Her physical decline is just as devastating as her mental decline.  The long goodbye, is how Alzheimer's has been labeled.  It is true, and it is a torturous journey.