From time to time I find the progress of Mother's Alzheimer's disease, just too much to think about. Last week as I left the home after visiting her, I found myself in tears. It is usually the small changes that make me weep. I think it is because I expect the big changes - incontinence, forgetting, having trouble walking - but the small changes are like a slap across the face.
The leaves have been so beautiful, and I thought I could share some of them with Mother. She has always been an outdoor person and loved the trees and the fall colors. I walked the backyard and chose the most perfect yellow and red leaves I could find. But it was one of those days, and when I showed the leaves to her, she yelled, "Cookies!", snatched them from my hand and had them in her mouth in a split second. I was stunned, but managed to get the leaves out of her mouth. Silly me, I tried it again. I held them away from her and pointed out the colors and pattern, and within a second they were in her mouth again. Once again I got them away from her and went and found a cookie for her.
Eating the nonedible (paper, dirt, flowers) is called pica, and it is a disease. In Mother's case, it is a result of the Alzheimer's. Last year she began to eat flowers from arrangements in the home. This summer, I had to stop taking her flowers because she was eating them. This is what made me cry. Mother loved flowers. The last few times I took flowers to her, she cried and kept saying "how beautiful." Now that is gone. Of course I can take artificial flowers, but it is not the same. Alzheimer's is stealing even the small pleasures of beauty from her. I weep. I rage. But that part of her remains stolen.
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