Changes

Mother is going through a series of new changes in her mind.  Her thinking is becoming more and more confused.  The terrible part of this is that she has some awareness of it. She can tell us on any given day whether it is a good mind day or not.  Bad days are obvious.  She sleeps curled up.  Her face is a blank.  She has no idea where she is; she can't always find her room.  She sucks and chews on her thumb.

Occasionally, there is a moment when she not only remembers, but she is aware that she remembers.  This week there was a singing group performing at the home.  Mother  loves music, so I took her into the main area to listen.  They sang many old gospel songs, and Mother sang along, but she did this by watching the lips of the singers.  Like a small child, if she watches closely enough she can figure out the words.  As the group was leaving, someone began singing My Country Tis of Thee.  Mother stood up and sang every word!  She looked at me and said, "I remembered all of that one!  I sang that when I was in school."  She was so proud of herself not just for remembering but for knowing that she remembered.

A few seconds later as we returned to her room she said, "Now where are we?"  That moment of recognition was so very brief, and those moments come less and less often.  I treasure these brief moments of knowing.  I hang on to every one of them because between them are vast empty spaces of nothing.  Her mind is filled with so many vacancies which she described recently as a numbness.  Knowing is connecting, and I fear the time when there will be no knowing.